WHAT HAS “IDENTITY” GOT TO DO WITH “US”?

We assume a role not only in the immediate social context but also, coming into it, based on everything in our lives which has come before.

From the circumstances of birth down to the “choice” of attire, we bring who we think we are more broadly to each and every social interaction.

We bring this idea of ourselves and what we deserve and how we should be treated into every social situation, real or imagined, even before we step outside our homes.

This may or may not seem obvious. The more readily, however, we say, Of course, and move on, the less we are likely to appreciate what is going on with us and around us.

We are always at least half thinking about this: who are we in connection with where we are and what is happening.

Perhaps a better way of looking at this is to say when we feel as if the situation, the social context in particular, does not validate our ideas about who we are, we take notice and focus very quickly.

From the time we are very young, whenever we are not getting what we expect, what we believe we can rightly expect based on our understanding of the relationship, we react and take action.

The comedian Jim Gaffigan has a bit about people in bars. When the place is busy, getting the bartender’s attention is a test of who we think we are and our relative sense of importance in the context.

We can also think about this more generally, outside social situations. Sitting somewhere alone or taking a walk, one spots something that does not fit expectations.

There is the sound of something moving close by. Who or what is in the other room or behind that hedge? In this context, our idea about ourselves is that in this place we expected to be safe, to be left alone.

That is who believed we were. This unexpected sound which may or may not be a threat is challenging our hypothesis.

At the carwash, the BMW with a personalized license plate and UCLA Bruins frame was blocking entry. I was next behind, could not get by, and cars were backing up out into the street.

I could see the four lines of cars leading to the first phase of the wash. This car, the man driving it, had no reason to stop. Pick a line and let everyone else also proceed.

This situation did not comport with my expectations. The place was busier than I had ever seen it. But I was more curious than upset. No one behind me was honking. I wondered how long that could last.

It was likely closer to five minutes or less but that still seemed incredibly long for the driver of that car not to pull forward to any of the four lines. What was he waiting for? Did he not realize he was holding others up?

Finally, a short fat man with jet black hair and brown skin, one of the managers, possibly even a family member of the owners, walked over and knocked on the driver’s window and very firmly gestured for him to roll his window down.

“Sir, please pull forward. You can’t just stay here. You are blocking the entrance.” He gestured to the cars behind him, including mine.

The driver said something I could not hear. What could he be saying? The short man repeated himself speaking loud enough for me to hear him with my windows rolled up.

“There are cars backed into the street waiting. You need to move.”

The driver hesitantly moved forward, indecisively, finally far enough to let me get by on the right.

After I had turned over my vehicle, paid inside and bought lottery tickets, used the restroom, I went out to talk to the short, fat man.

“You handled that situation very well.” He knew immediately what I was referring to and replied, “Some people are not thinking about anything but themselves. We are all equal here.”

The last comment, although I understood, was by no means within my expectations.

This man was quite short and stout. He had an accent I could not identify. He moved and spoke with confidence and without hesitation.

I said, “His license plate said he went to UCLA. What kind of grades do you think he got?” He laughed, “I have no idea, sir.” He touched my arm and moved on. We were done.

If I were to provide an account of as much as I could recall about the other people and other interactions in thirty or forty minutes at the car wash, there would easily be thousands of impressions and assessments from my point of view alone.

A car wash provides a great deal of information about who people think they are and how they believe in that view they ought to be treated. From the cars, the clothes, the body language, who looks at whom how, identity is on full display.

Most of the customers do not speak with each other and only minimally with anyone who works there. Contrary to other places, fewer are looking at smartphones. They are often watching their cars and looking occasionally at each other.